I write this entry from the hotel room of one of the nicest hotels i've stayed at in a long time…or, maybe it just seems that way-it's been a fair amount of time since I stayed in a hotel.
I am usually not home for more than a few weeks at a time, maximum (and thats around Christmas time)- other than that, I'm at school, visiting friends, or doing whatever it is I do over vacations. Because I'm not home for long periods of time (and when i'm in school, I live off of the salary of someone well…without a job)- when I DO end up making that trek home, I always need to get a lot done. By this, I mean the artificial stuff…haircuts and colors, manicures, buying new jeans, purses, makeup…anyway, whatever it is- it all adds up pretty quickly, and my mother usually ends up baring a large portion of this financial burden, since my dad pays for my life during the time I'm at school. In light of this, my mom cant help but get a little frustrated sometimes, when I'm only home for a few days and end up spending more of her money than i do her time- after all, that hardly seems fair. Another result of this is that she tends to think that a lot of my life revolves around shopping (when in reality, i rarely buy things when I'm in DC…besides dinner and an exorbitant amount of vodka-cranberry's.)
Her frustration with this is something that I have come to understand over the years…her lectures of feeling under appreciated began to blend in with one another and finally a few weeks ago, I got to questioning this in my own mind. I started to feel like i WASNT appreciating her much and ask myself if I really was taking advantage of her…the answer to this question came to me quickly and clearly today …obviously it sucks that I go home and have to spend all of that money on stupid things- BUT...my mom has been here, in Paris,, for the past few days- and it has been an absolute pleasure. When asked on the surface why it has been so great all of the sudden- I would say…well i've been staying at a 5 star hotel, eating anything on the menu, ordering whatever drinks I want, buying new clothes, and learning that they serve champagne in the Chanel store…why do you THINK its been so great?
No…wrong. See, I've also been pretty sick these past few days- so tonight, when my mom and her friend left for dinner, I stayed behind in the hotel. I was in the nice hotel, a full room service menu and spa at my fingertips, a new pair of chanel heels on my feet…and moments after the gorgeous mahogany hotel room door shut, I found myself overcome, again, with a feeling of loneliness. My anxiety level went up, I started feeling sad, and even more I started dreading tomorrow- when my mom won't be here anymore.
Sure, my mom and I have had our fights- big ones, too- it's often difficult for us to see eye-to-eye because we have similar difficulties with communication…but sitting here today, I realized that my mood these past few days hadn't gone up because of my style of living- i owed my newly found happiness not to my mothers presents- but to her presence.
Paris has, as I've pointed out plenty of times, been a lot of a struggle for me in many different ways- but the #1 problem I've had is not being able to find those people I truly care about here. Honestly, I'm a very caring, passionate person when it comes to things I love to do and people I love to be around, I throw myself into things whole heartedly and sometimes that has its downsides-
I guess today though I realized that what my mother said yesterday was true, when things are hard and you don't feel well- physically, emotionally…there is no quicker cure than having your mother around. There is, cheesy as it sounds, nothing like a mothers love for her daughter.
Anyway…after all of this, my mom leaves tomorrow, which I hate. Honestly, I really wish she could sit through these last 3 weeks here with me, holding my hand- entertaining me with jokes and keeping me company at cafes- but she cant. It's come down to that, now, 3 more weeks- well, on Wednesday that's what it'll be anyway. My dad is right, they're going to fly by…I don't really have finals or much to do except for everything I never had time for. I will never again be living in this city, and likely won't be visiting it for years... and I do look forward to that- and to what i'll have to say about it then…for now though, I'm just looking forward to my moms return from dinner.
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