I take the blame for a lot of things. Really, I can be a bit of a pushover. I hate fighting and even more, I hate getting yelled at, so usually when I'm in a confrontational situation, I accept blame, apologize, and move on. Really, I just hate seeing people that I care about angry at me.
The morning I looked up my first application for Paris last year was, in fact, a day in early September when I was blamed for something that, as much as I tried, I couldn't really see as being my fault…I woke up with all of my closest friends mad at me and for a little while, must say that I wasn't even sure why. But I was sure that I was sick of taking the blame just because I can be a pretty easy target in those situations.
Today, looking at an enormous selection of cheeses in the supermarket, I pointed to one that looked like cheddar and politely asked the man behind the counter for a small amount. Before leaving the store, though, I realized that I could've been mistaken, so I took out the cheese and took a bite.
it was DEFINITELY not cheddar.
I walked back to the counter and, a little bit frustrated, told the man I had bought the wrong one and asked if there was any way for me to just switch them- He looked at me as if i was crazy
"how did you not know what you were buying?" he said to me in French
"there was no label" I shot back- to which he looked down at his cheese display and back up at me- before apologizing and giving me the cheese that I had intended to buy, now labeled "cheddar".
Walking out of the store, satisfied, I had a mental flashback of sorts to a warm day last summer when someone I used to know told me about his "strategy" for relationships- really, it was more of a lecture than a conversation. A lecture that I, undoubtedly, thought I deserved- and in many ways, I did.
"I have a piece of paper in my closet," he had said to me, "and on it is written 'white paper'."
I was curious and confused as to how he was going to get this story to relate to my making mistakes combined with his not wanting to date me…and I did have a lot of respect for his opinions- so i continued to listen.
"Now, just because I wrote 'white paper' on it, doesn't make it any different- its still exactly the same, still just a sheet of white paper."
When he finished his little anecdote and we said our goodbyes, I walked away feeling rejected- but more than that, I felt a little bit mystified. I was so used to boys not wanting to be in "a relationship" as their being assholes and choosing to be in a lot of "non relationships"…but maybe, I thought (naively), he really meant what he was saying- he really just didn't understand why it needed a label. Maybe I was asking too much.
Maybe, I thought, the situation I found myself in really was entirely my fault. I felt like I had entirely ruined something just because I had assumed he was like everyone else. I thought I knew what he wanted- nothing from me. Honestly, I felt kind of guilty that day- and for a long time afterwards, baring the burden of blame and regret, thinking about the white paper and how right he really was.
I think that was the last time I mistakenly gave someone the benefit of the doubt and failed to trust myself and my own instincts (not to say that I wasn't, as I thought at the time, at least partially at fault) And now, a year later, as I sit here with cheddar cheese on my crackers, I see so clearly why he was wrong.
Relationships, friendships- ANY and EVERY human interaction is anything but simplistic. They are anything but white sheets of paper.
Sure, something like that, something like white paper, doesn't need a label to exist.
But when something as simple as cheddar cheese needs a label in order for you to know what it is- because it can look JUST the same as about a trillion other orange cheeses from the outside…you have to admit that with the complexities and intricacies of human interaction, asking for simple labels like "boyfriend" or "girlfriend" is really not asking much at all. Especially when the consequences of mistaking a "friendship" for a "relationship" are much greater, much more of an emotional burden than those that come with mixing up printer paper with construction paper.
I thought of the "white paper" sign this morning and laughed, wondering whether he really believed what he was saying at the time or whether he knew, as well as I did that hot July morning, that if and when he wanted something badly enough, putting a label on it wouldn't seem like such a burden.
There are plenty of things that I take the blame for- many of which are actually my fault. I have lied to close friends and made errors in judgement for which the repercussions lasted a torturous eternity. Sometimes, though, the rare occasion arises when I am right about something- and today, free cheddar cheese in hand, was one of those days.
No comments:
Post a Comment